Regaining self confidence…

Something shattered my confidence recently, the details of which I will withhold… but I would like to share with you the process I’ve been going through in trying to regain it.

Leading up to this experience I was already struggling, struggling with self worth, purpose and feelings of failure. In an attempt to rebuild my feelings of self worth and an attempt to find guidance in overcoming my failures I attended a retreat which I wrote about here it did wonders for giving me just enough strength to deal with what life was going to throw at me next, I had no idea my greatest challenge to date was yet to come! The retreat gave me the strength I needed to handle receiving this news, but I also needed tools to deal with the reality of the process of recovering from it, and learning from it.

So I have sought to understand what I could change within myself to rebuild a sense of self worth. Two books so far have been extremely comforting and helpful both of which were written by Brené Brown The Gifts of Imperfection & Rising Strong. I highly recommend reading them if you are feeling at all like you too are loosing (or have lost) your sense of self worth. Her research on vulnerability, shame and wholehearted living has enabled her to understand common threads and give guidance to living a wholehearted life.

Despite this battle with true self confidence I’m still pursuing my dreams and working towards living a life I love and have a great desire to assist others in doing so too. I was encouraged by a professional who has been helping me, to write my story, as a way of sharing the challenges I’ve faced throughout my life’s journey while sharing some of the accomplishments I’ve made too. There is a lot of power in writing your story, just the other day I was reading in Rising Strong how important it is to acknowledge and own your story reading about this was even more powerful as I had just completed the task of writing mine. I encourage you to do the same even if it is just for yourself. Reflecting on and writing about my life’s journey made me realise just how much I have taken on board, dealt with and not dealt with, not absolutely every detail of my life is in this piece but a lot is… life’s so complex, we take on so much, not only our own struggles but the struggles of those around us. The importance of digging deep and regaining my internal self confidence is front and centre right now, not only for my sake but the sake of my children, my husband and all who are connected to me in some form or another.

The other day I shared an idea with my husband, it was the expansion of an idea I’ve been toiling with for many years, my ultimate life goal, one which I can’t yet see being realised in the immediate future but one that has been important to me for many years, but I’ve set it aside because the timing’s not been right, the stars haven’t yet aligned. When I shared with him my latest idea for this concept I said it in hushed tones with a slight quiver in my voice, it was a day that I was feeling totally and utterly deflated but was still holding onto the hope of changing things and realising this ever so important dream of mine. I slowly and quietly shared my idea, in a way that said I want to believe this is worth pursuing but being consumed with self doubt right now makes be almost embarrassed to speak these words… after I finished he responded with; “That’s what I love about you, even in your darkest hour you come up with such inspiring ideas!”

I sat there staring into nothingness as I thought about this for a little while. He was right. I don’t believe I revel in darkness in order to find inspiration, so what it that makes me come up with my best ideas when I am feeling so low. I retreated to the library, picked up my journal and wrote these words:

Embrace the darkness… open your eyes, let them adjust to your metaphorical surroundings, take in what you see & allow yourself to recognise what’s brought you into the darkness, then let that guide you back out into the light.

When I’m in my darkest hours, I tend to ask myself lots of questions and spend time trying to find the source, this recent event however was different, it felt like it was inflicted upon me by the other person, some very dear to my heart which made it hurt even more. I’ve asked lots of questions of them to try understand what led to the decisions made that ultimately hurt me like nothing else ever has. In the process of confronting the uncomfortable reality of what led to this outcome I’ve continued to question myself, what have I done to enable this? In doing so I’ve unlocked many closed compartments in my heart and mind that I really should not have tucked away. In trying to be everything for everyone it’s easy to lock away who you are and the value you bring to the whole. Ironically doing so seems to make you appear less valuable to everyone else too. We need to believe in ourselves first, so that others too can believe in us.

If the light radiates from within us, it will only serve to warm the hearts of others, but if we neglect this light then our presence will most likely cast dark shadows over their happiness and that is not how I wish to live… nor do I think that’s how you wish to live either. So lets work together on regaining or building on our self confidence so that we can spread the light of love wherever we go.

<<= marie-nicole =>>  

xx

Ps. If you know of someone else who may be struggling with their self confidence please share this post so we assist them too!

PPS. A few other practices that I’ve been finding very helpful are:

> In the current issue of the Collective Hub, I came across a fantastic idea of using affirmations for passwords.  I changed mine immediately… the number of times a day I enter the password into my computer alone should aid in changing the dialogue I play over and over again inside my head.

> Mindful breathing, the simple act of taking time to bring clarity back to my thoughts through slow deep considered breaths has been quite powerful.

> TED Talks there’s power in hearing other people’s stories, findings & ideas… especially when struggling with something like self confidence or simply the need for inspiration or encouragement.

> Social Media – Filtering what I absorb and what I let drift past. Scrolling through social media can serve to brighten your day or pull you down deeper into the darkness, being aware of the types of posts that do the latter, these are the ones that I’ve chosen to see but not absorb. I give more time to those that inspire and encourage me, stopping to take them in & draw as much strength from them as needed.

> Seeing the world through my camera lens, while creating with my hands brings me a great deal of joy, my mind still tends to tick over and the destructive self chatter can easily continue while I work with my hands. But taking a walk or a drive and loosing myself in the act of capturing images takes me out of my head and helps me focus on the details of the beauty that surrounds me.

PPPS. Your turn… if you have any ideas you’d like to share of how you’ve rebuilt or fostered your self confidence, please leave a comment below. xx

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The Rural Woman: Wealth Retreat

In all honesty money has always been a bit of a mystery to me. I know it’s necessary to live in our current system, but my focus in life has been more about living well, not to simply create financial wealth. Finding a balance where you earn enough money to support your needs and help you move forward is something I believe to be extremely important, which is why I took the plunge and booked myself into this retreat. Leaving my family behind for a few days was a new experience, but one I felt I had to have in order to give myself the love and care I needed so as to provide them with the abundance of love and care that they need from me. Nurturing abundance, in both a psychological and monetary sense, was the essence of this retreat. Our guide was the holistic finance guru Dianna Jacobsen who focuses on empowering women to realise their dreams and take charge of their wealth. There was less of a focus on numbers and more of a focus on wellbeing, self love, worthiness & building foundations for a life of abundance, based on gratitude and beliefs.

Below is a visual diary of the confronting yet empowering experience I embarked on throughout this adventure. I say confronting, as the digging deep into myself to discover what guided my beliefs about money and self worth (or the lack there of) was confronting, but the realisation of what has been driving my decisions and actions to date was very much empowering! These pics are only those taken on my phone. They don’t show everything the retreat offered, such as the massage, webinar & workshops (hosted by Rebel Black founder of The Rural Woman), breakfasts, lunches, fireside chats, tears shared (during Christine’s session which was meant to encourage us to embrace today in order minimise regrets in the future),  along with stories told about each person’s life journey and the mineral baths (no photos to share of those sorry, you need to experience those for yourself). I completely immersed myself in this retreat and set my phone aside most of the time. Hopefully though there is enough there to inspire you to do what you need to; to nurture yourself and perhaps take the time out of your busy life to reconnect with yourself and regain your inner strength. This retreat certainly did that for me, I arrived feeling raw and broken inside and left feeling I had it within me to repair that brokenness and stride forward. Oh and then there were the friends I collected along the way… an added bonus!

VISUAL DIARY:

{Night before the retreat} I arrived in Daylesford the night before after a very long and tiring drive with the last 2 hours being along goat tracks by starlight with next to no phone reception, guided only by the voice of the Google maps navigator, in an unfamiliar car graciously loaned to me by dear friends (as our car broke down that morning, just as I was set to leave for the 7 hour drive). I’d booked a room at the delightful Daylesford Hotel for the first night to give myself a chance to drive and capture some images of the inspiring landscape along the way, and ease into the experience rather than simply drive all morning then throw myself wearily into the meet and great & first workshop session on the Monday afternoon.

The morning of the retreat: I awoke to the fantastic view of a lovely country town, much bigger than I expected it to be… arriving in the dark the night before meant I had no idea of what the place looked like. So, I drove around for a while familiarising myself of where I was and where I needed to be that afternoon, then looked for somewhere inspiring to eat and when I saw a sign with simply the word LARDER written on it, I knew I’d found that place. It did not disappoint…

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Larder for brunch and brain storming

{The retreat begins} Upon arrival at 65 Main, Christine Lewis the guesthouse owner and host greeted each of us with her vibrant smile and bubbly personality… spoiled us with gifts sourced locally and from small time producers and we were made to feel extremely welcome and at ease. Our first workshop sessions with Dianna & Rebel on our beliefs, our energy and introducing new ideas to our subconscious were extremely thought provoking. Ending day 1 by walking down the street to dine in a beautifully restored old house come restaurant The Grande, which I did not take photos of… but it was magical, warming, the food tantalised our taste buds & our waitstaff Owen & Renai were very attentive… and Renai lit up the room every time she walked in. Conversations & wine flowed at a steady pace and the sharing of stories began, we were all connected by common threads feel at ease, if not at home, there together even after only being in each others presence for a few hours we became friends.

{Dinner on day 2}  After a rather confronting experience of digging deep within ourselves to gain a better understanding of what our story on money is (intense) followed by a full body massage and the message delivered loud and clear by my masseur that I really need to learn to ‘let go’… working on that! We all freshen up and headed out to the two hatted restaurant The Lake House. Every part of that experience was amazing, from the grounds, the buildings, the decor, the wine, the personalised menu, each course served was a work of art and tasted sensational! Connections between participants continued to grow and strengthen.

{The Convent Gallery on Day 3} After another series of workshops (including one by Dianna on managing finances in a positive way & another by Kerry Griffith’s on self love), this time less confronting and more empowering, we headed out to The Convent Gallery on an empowered high… we were given a guided tour of the intriguing buildings, and had the opportunity to hear from Tina Banitska (the owner) directly about her very own journey of turning her dreams into reality. I could have sat and listened to Tina speak all day, her foundation building childhood experiences, passion for life and love of story telling was very much akin to that of my own story… I absorbed as much of her energy as physically possible and wanted to plead that we stay longer even though we were already behind time. However, they did manage to pry me out of there and I am glad they did as what followed was like nothing I have ever experienced… we then spent the next 2 hours soaking in mineral baths at Hepburn Bathhouse. A first for me and like nothing I have ever experienced, such a blissful way of spending the afternoon… the conversations flowed as we let the bubbles from jets massage our bodies again, next we floated in the therapeutic salt pool and ended off with time lost in the semi outdoor hot pool, as the sunset and the temperature dropped, which made us appreciate the comforting warmth of the hot pool even more, time simply slipped away, further connections were made, information exchanged and new friendships formed. What an experience… one to be had again that’s for sure.

{After letting our cares float away} The retreat had come to end, but the fun had not, some of us decided to make the most of our time together and ability to take advantage of our flexibility so we headed out to dinner again. Thanks to Christine we were introduced to a fantastic little locals haunt Cliffy’s where we bumped into the delightful waitress Renai (from our first nights dinner at The Grande) and Tina (owner of the Convent Gallery) whom I truly hoped to cross paths with again… voi la, there she was, it was enough to simply see her again I did not have to engage in an extensive conversation to benefit from her presence… at that point the priority was to converse with my new found & treasured friends, although we had only just met 2 days earlier we had a strong thread connecting us all and it felt like we’d known each other for years.

{A new person} On the last day of my adventure I took my new found inner strength and sparks of a new and improved version of me to come, and set out to take in the beauty that surrounded me, capturing images that spoke of a desired lifestyle using my DSLR camera to really capture the essence of each scene… I will share these images with you in my next post. My love of capturing the beauty of living through a lens was reignited that day, rather than simply using my camera as a tool for taking product shots I am inspired to follow my hearts desire and capture shots that represent a way of living…

As founder of The Rural Woman Rebel Black says: “may you bloom where you are planted.”

That is my wish for you too… along with accepting who you are and living out dreams, your individual gifts are valuable don’t let them be submerged in the name of doing, start being!

<<= by marie-nicole =>>

xx