Regaining self confidence…

Something shattered my confidence recently, the details of which I will withhold… but I would like to share with you the process I’ve been going through in trying to regain it.

Leading up to this experience I was already struggling, struggling with self worth, purpose and feelings of failure. In an attempt to rebuild my feelings of self worth and an attempt to find guidance in overcoming my failures I attended a retreat which I wrote about here it did wonders for giving me just enough strength to deal with what life was going to throw at me next, I had no idea my greatest challenge to date was yet to come! The retreat gave me the strength I needed to handle receiving this news, but I also needed tools to deal with the reality of the process of recovering from it, and learning from it.

So I have sought to understand what I could change within myself to rebuild a sense of self worth. Two books so far have been extremely comforting and helpful both of which were written by Brené Brown The Gifts of Imperfection & Rising Strong. I highly recommend reading them if you are feeling at all like you too are loosing (or have lost) your sense of self worth. Her research on vulnerability, shame and wholehearted living has enabled her to understand common threads and give guidance to living a wholehearted life.

Despite this battle with true self confidence I’m still pursuing my dreams and working towards living a life I love and have a great desire to assist others in doing so too. I was encouraged by a professional who has been helping me, to write my story, as a way of sharing the challenges I’ve faced throughout my life’s journey while sharing some of the accomplishments I’ve made too. There is a lot of power in writing your story, just the other day I was reading in Rising Strong how important it is to acknowledge and own your story reading about this was even more powerful as I had just completed the task of writing mine. I encourage you to do the same even if it is just for yourself. Reflecting on and writing about my life’s journey made me realise just how much I have taken on board, dealt with and not dealt with, not absolutely every detail of my life is in this piece but a lot is… life’s so complex, we take on so much, not only our own struggles but the struggles of those around us. The importance of digging deep and regaining my internal self confidence is front and centre right now, not only for my sake but the sake of my children, my husband and all who are connected to me in some form or another.

The other day I shared an idea with my husband, it was the expansion of an idea I’ve been toiling with for many years, my ultimate life goal, one which I can’t yet see being realised in the immediate future but one that has been important to me for many years, but I’ve set it aside because the timing’s not been right, the stars haven’t yet aligned. When I shared with him my latest idea for this concept I said it in hushed tones with a slight quiver in my voice, it was a day that I was feeling totally and utterly deflated but was still holding onto the hope of changing things and realising this ever so important dream of mine. I slowly and quietly shared my idea, in a way that said I want to believe this is worth pursuing but being consumed with self doubt right now makes be almost embarrassed to speak these words… after I finished he responded with; “That’s what I love about you, even in your darkest hour you come up with such inspiring ideas!”

I sat there staring into nothingness as I thought about this for a little while. He was right. I don’t believe I revel in darkness in order to find inspiration, so what it that makes me come up with my best ideas when I am feeling so low. I retreated to the library, picked up my journal and wrote these words:

Embrace the darkness… open your eyes, let them adjust to your metaphorical surroundings, take in what you see & allow yourself to recognise what’s brought you into the darkness, then let that guide you back out into the light.

When I’m in my darkest hours, I tend to ask myself lots of questions and spend time trying to find the source, this recent event however was different, it felt like it was inflicted upon me by the other person, some very dear to my heart which made it hurt even more. I’ve asked lots of questions of them to try understand what led to the decisions made that ultimately hurt me like nothing else ever has. In the process of confronting the uncomfortable reality of what led to this outcome I’ve continued to question myself, what have I done to enable this? In doing so I’ve unlocked many closed compartments in my heart and mind that I really should not have tucked away. In trying to be everything for everyone it’s easy to lock away who you are and the value you bring to the whole. Ironically doing so seems to make you appear less valuable to everyone else too. We need to believe in ourselves first, so that others too can believe in us.

If the light radiates from within us, it will only serve to warm the hearts of others, but if we neglect this light then our presence will most likely cast dark shadows over their happiness and that is not how I wish to live… nor do I think that’s how you wish to live either. So lets work together on regaining or building on our self confidence so that we can spread the light of love wherever we go.

<<= marie-nicole =>>  

xx

Ps. If you know of someone else who may be struggling with their self confidence please share this post so we assist them too!

PPS. A few other practices that I’ve been finding very helpful are:

> In the current issue of the Collective Hub, I came across a fantastic idea of using affirmations for passwords.  I changed mine immediately… the number of times a day I enter the password into my computer alone should aid in changing the dialogue I play over and over again inside my head.

> Mindful breathing, the simple act of taking time to bring clarity back to my thoughts through slow deep considered breaths has been quite powerful.

> TED Talks there’s power in hearing other people’s stories, findings & ideas… especially when struggling with something like self confidence or simply the need for inspiration or encouragement.

> Social Media – Filtering what I absorb and what I let drift past. Scrolling through social media can serve to brighten your day or pull you down deeper into the darkness, being aware of the types of posts that do the latter, these are the ones that I’ve chosen to see but not absorb. I give more time to those that inspire and encourage me, stopping to take them in & draw as much strength from them as needed.

> Seeing the world through my camera lens, while creating with my hands brings me a great deal of joy, my mind still tends to tick over and the destructive self chatter can easily continue while I work with my hands. But taking a walk or a drive and loosing myself in the act of capturing images takes me out of my head and helps me focus on the details of the beauty that surrounds me.

PPPS. Your turn… if you have any ideas you’d like to share of how you’ve rebuilt or fostered your self confidence, please leave a comment below. xx

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Life’s Purpose…

I often find myself contemplating the meaning of life… over my lifetime I’ve drawn inspiration from quotes and concepts like that of the The 14th Dalai Lama’s ‘The true meaning of life’

We are visitors on this planet

We are here for ninety

or a hundred years

at the very most.

During that period,

we must try to do something

good, something useful,

with our lives.

if you contribute to other

people’s happiness, you will

find the goal,

the true meaning of life.

But there are still times when I feel my efforts are lacking and purpose is unclear…

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Recently while pondering the meaning of life I’ve found solace in the act of capturing, it is as though my inner yearning to feel as alive as I did back when I was a full-time photographer is becoming subconsciously unbearable. So I’ve been keeping my camera close at hand and have even travelled with the intention of capturing that which inspires me and will hopefully inspire others. I seek to capture a way of being, a way of living, that which represents a life of purpose. Working in solitude I have had to make a conscious effort to break up my week and spend Wednesday outside of the studio, off our little property on the hill, on the edge of our rural village, and engage with others in person. With a full production schedule it’s not always easy to allow myself that time, but I know it is necessary so I make it happen.

 

 

The other day I planned to tie these two must do’s into the one day, starting with a yoga class, followed by a walk around town, chatting with friends, shop owners & anyone who crossed my path… then I ventured off to seek out inspiration to capture through my lens. I drove through streets of Yass that I’ve not driven down before just to see where they would lead and found myself here!

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What better place is there to appreciate life than a cemetery?

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It suddenly struck me that I had not, in the 6 years of living in this region, been to this cemetery. Although I have attended funerals or memorial services for friends and acquaintances from this region, I had not physically been to the cemetery, nor did I even know where it was. I literally stumbled across it. I wasn’t looking at street signs while I was driving, just taking in the beautiful homes that adorn our streets and the spectacular vistas of those homes. This cemetery is probably the least manicured I’ve ever been to, but  it was certainly the most beautiful that I have ever visited… the view is breath taking!

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As I walked around the segmented grounds, sectioned into faiths and religions, I found myself captivated by the differences in graves and head stones, some obviously from very wealthy bloodlines, and others so very obviously not, and then another realisation hit me… it matters not in the end what your position in society or you financial status, everybody ends up lying side by side, in the same place, with the same magnificent view.

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So this begs the question, does money and status mean a better life lived OR a lack of money mean a life spent serving others rather than serving self? I feel the best option is try to live a life of purpose rather than power and if you can combine the two even better! So although we’ll end up in the same place as our final resting place, with a head stone that is either weathered and illegible or etched in stone for all to see and read for years to come, it matters not. What matters more is how we spent the journey toward reaching that final destination and the impact we had on those we left behind or interacted with along the way.

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<<= by marie-nicole =>>

xx

 

Ps. Here are a few extra pics from that day…

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Gateway to the afterlife… not as flash as some would hope 😉

 

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The all knowing tree that creaked eerily as I stood beneath it… whispering untold tales of those who have entered these grounds.

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Meandering paths of simplicity, nothing flash about these grounds… manicured grounds are not necessary when you’re surrounded by such natural magnificence.

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The ‘opt out’ passage…